When I was a sales manager I saw a number of potentially great communicators stall despite fantastic subject matter knowledge and great technique.   It was no surprise to me that sending them on a skills refresher course didn’t solve the problem as I instinctively knew that the problem lay at the level of identity and believe rather than skill or capability.

On numerous occasions I fought with my colleagues in the training department because they said that you couldn’t do anything about those sort of problems and so they would resort to their comfort zone.

Over the years I have studied lots of different methodologies and approaches seeking a simple way to solve this problem both for myself and my clients and I beleive I have finally found the solution.

It’s a process for challenging and transforming the thoughts that are behind our blockages and it comes courtesy of the work of American teacher and author Byron Katie.

Step 1 – Identify and write down the thoughts that are stopping you from getting the results you want:
e.g

• “My boss doesn’t think I’m confident enough to be  promoted”
• “They think I’m too young”
• “He won’t like me”
• “I’ll make a mess of it”

Step 2 – Choose one of the statements you wrote down and  then ask yourself “Is that thought true? – Yes or No?”

Step 3 – If the answer to step 2 is “Yes” then ask yourself “Is it absolutely true?”

• Close your eyes, go inside and wait for the honest answer to come from within you

Step 3 – “How do I react when I think that stressful thought?”

• What do you do?
• What do you think? What images come into your mind?
• How do you feel when you think that thought

Step 4 – Who would you be without that stressful thought?

• Close your eyes and see yourself doing what you want to be able to do, without that stressful thought

Repeat this process for every stressfull thought you wrote down and notice how you feel now.
NB:  I find that this process is a bit like peeling an onion, there are layers beneath layers but the wonderful thing is that the more you do it the easier it gets until you do it automatically.

This video clip serves four purposes for students of presentation and public speaking skills:

1. It demonstrates the value of a clearly structured message
2. It shows how things like eye contact, body language and vocal variety engage the audience
3. It shows how simple visual aids with well chosen images add to the presentation
4. It contains a valuable message that we all should learn and take heed of.

Enjoy

Charisma, some people have it and some don’t! How often have we heard that comment. everyone agrees that is an important and desirable characteristic whether you are a salesperson, a team leader, a presenter or a teacher but it seems such an intangible thing. Wikipedia, the online reference source defines it as follows:
The word charisma (from the Greek word χάρισμα (kharisma), “gift” or “divine favor,” from kharizesthai, “to favor,” from kharis, “favor”: see also charism) refers to a rare trait found in certain human personalities usually including extreme charm and a ‘magnetic’ quality of personality …
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charisma

If anything this definition just serves to reinforce the belief that it is rare and “god given”. Well I happen to disagree. I believe that everyone is intrinsically charismatic but that, through conditioning, many of us have learned to suppress our natural charisma. In my workshops I use a range of methods to help people rediscover their own innate charisma but I’d like to share with you three ideas to get you challenging your own limiting beliefs about how charismatic you are.

Tip 1: Stop telling yourself that you are not a charismatic person.
The language we use when we talk to ourselves is much more powerful than we think. If you keep focusing on your lack of charisma and reminding yourself of it, should you really be surprised when you seem to be repelling rather than attracting others.

Tip 2: Mimic some of the physical behaviours of people you consider to be charismatic.
If you were at a networking event and you walked around with your shoulders slumped and your head down would you be more or less charismatic? If you gave only fleeting eye contact to others, gabbled nervously, and spoke inarticulately how will others rate you in the charisma stakes? Act as if you were charismatic by observing what charismatic people do and then emulating some of those traits. You will be amazed at the effect it has, both on others and on yourself!

Tip 3: When speaking to others have the intention of raising their status and self esteem.
Charismatic people don’t only look and sound confident and authoritative, they also naturally build up the status of others whenever they interact with them. Bill Clinton is an excellent example of this. I know someone who met him and described vividly how, when he spoke to them, he gave them his full attention, listened intently and then responded with a comment that validated and built upon whatever they had said. He never tried to put them down. He knew the secret that when you raise the status of others in this way, you raise your own status too in a non threatening and magnetic way.

So there you have it. Some thoughts on how to develop your own charisma. Imagine the effect it could have on your own career or business success. I know these ideas work because I have personally used them myself. So do yourself a favour and give yourself a charisma transplant today.

This post was promopted by a comment made by my wife Lyn after an early morning walk today.

It was a beautiful morning here in the South of Hampshire. The sky was just starting to colour up as the sun rose and the air was crisp and fresh. After a few minutes of silent contemplation we started to chat about anything and everything. In particular we gravitated towards talking about what it is that allows people to have the confidence to do amazing things such as present with confidence and conviction.

Self belief kept coming up in our conversation and then Lyn asked “How can we have more belief?”

My first answer surprised me when I said, “Maybe it’s not so much about doing something to havemore belief, but rather its about stopping doing things that erode our self beleif.”

As an example, a colleague I met at a networking event recently said, “the problem with me is that I don’t have sparkle” and so my talks are dull. This sounded to me like a limiting belief and when I asked them how they knew they didn’t have “sparkle” they replied “Somebody told me once, after a talk.”

So, based on the opinion of one person commenting on once example, they had generalised that comment to encompass every possible speaking situation across their whole life. How crazy is that?

Thankfully a few minutes after my response to their answer they suddenly said, “Well actually, I’ve just remembered that the speech I gave when I got married was really good and I got lots of praise for it afterwards.” When I asked them ” Did you sparkle on that occasion?” They said “Yes!” and I could see from the light in their eyes and the change in their expression that they had realised something very valuable.

So next time you put yourself down about your speaking abilities (or anything else for that matter!) remember my friend and his sparkle story. Do a reality check and see if you are really as bad as you think you are? Have you ever had good feedback? Have you ever been pleased with your own performance?

If you want to nurture your confidence one key step is to stop dwelling on your failures and putting yourself down.

Today I had the privilege of meeting up with my great friends and inspirational speakers Richard & Liz.     We talked about all sorts of things to do with success, self development and happiness and as ever, I left with a whole load of exciting new ideas and insights.

I could write several posts on the outcomes of this meeting but I just want to share one with you today.    We were talking about the ability of effective communicators to engage and connect with their audience.   Richard has an uncanny knack of coming up with a pithy, simple statement that is just bursting with meaning.  

Richard made the statement that “perfection isn’t the same as connection” and this got me thinking.   

Many presenters and speakers waste their time trying to create the “perfect” presentation and forget that the key to effective communication is connection not perfection.  In fact perfection tends to get in the way of connection.

Liz demonstrated this with a little story about a story that she heard on a personal; development CD recently.  The “guru” was telling the story of how a lady delegate had come up to him at the end of the break and asked “How can you possibly be happy all the time,”  Surely you must get just a little depressed sometime?”   To which the guru answered “no, I never get down any more.”   The immediate effect of this apparently perfect answer was to create a barrier between the lady and the speaker.   How could she possibly connect with someone who was so perfect!   

No I don’t know about you, but I have yet to meet anyone who is really that perfect.  We all have our down times but that doesn’t make us bad people, it just makes us human.   If we are going to connect with other human beings we need to be able to be authentic and honest.

One of the best ways of achieving connection is to share some of your own “story” with your audience.   And I don’t mean just the good stuff  either.   Let’s be real and by sharing our imperfections  connect with the rest of the human race who have imperfections too.

In a slight digression from my normal posts, I’d like to share some thoughts about limiting beleifs and how they hold us back from realising our true potential, be that as a presenter, influencer, parent  etc.   I hope you enjoy this short (5min) audio podcast.

Just make sure your speakers are turned on and click on the little arrow below.

 

 Prisoners of our own beliefs [5:25m]: Play Now | Play in Popup

I’ve been training presentation and public speaking skills for more than ten years now and today I’d like to share one thing I learned which has had the biggest single impact on the results I get.   If you are curious to know what it it, then read on.

I still remember the first bit of feedback I got when I stood up to give a talk.   The giver, no doubt intending to be helpful told me that I had said “um” 42 times in my three minute talk.   It’s all too easy to be critical but the question is, does giving critical feedback work?  Does it have the desired effect of improving performance and changing behaviour?   I’ve been a manager and a trainer for more than 20 years and I have learned the hard way that most critical feedback, no matter how well meant, has the opposite effect.  

Why should this be?   Well I’d like you first to follow the instructions in the following statement.

What ever you do, – Do not think of a purple elephant!   Under no circumstances should you think of a purple elephant!

So what happened?  Of course you couldn’t do anything else but imagine a purple pachyderm.   It’s the way or mind works, we cannot not think of something.   Our attention inevitably goes to the thing that is unwanted or forbidden.  

Now imagine you say to someone, “don’t keep saying um.  You have a habit of saying it at the end of every sentence and you must stop saying um if you are to improve.”   Immediately your attention is drawn to the very thing that you don’t want to do as an a result you do more of it!      “Energy flows where attention goes”

Now imagine i said to you this instead. “I want you to concentrate on saying nothing at the end of every sentence.  Put a pause in, as you think of the next thing you are going to say.”   Now notice what you focus on.

But there is more to it than this.   Critical feedback hurts! 

When I started teaching presentation skills I used to give lots of “constructive” feedback which inevitably meant pointing out things that people were doing wrong.    No matter how sensitively I gave this feedback, I could see the pain in the eyes of my students and despite their accepting nods, Is till saw the same unwanted behaviours repeated time after time.

 And then I went to America for an NLP trainers workshop. During those long hard three weeks we would all be expected to give lots of presentations but a the beginning of the course, Robert Dilts our tutor introduced the concept of “Positive Feedback Only”  He challenged us to focus on commenting solely on what we liked about the presenters delivery, structure or visual aids and other than that to phrase or suggestions for improvement in terms of  “what presenter could do more of that would make his talk even better”.

Initially we were all sceptical about this approach but we quickly discovered that it has a hauge impact on the presenter and people improved far faster than using traditional critical feedback techniques.  

When I got back from the States I incorporated this approach into my own one day workshops and the impact was huge!   The degree of improvement I started seeing over a day was at least 25% greater than previously.   So if you need some help with your presenting here are some suggestions to help you get the most change in the shortest possible time;

• Tell your audiences to keep any negative feedback to themselves but that you will be delighted to receive any amount of positive feedback.  My good friend Richard Wilkins does this at the start of every talk and it works a treat as well as getting a good laugh and lots of nods of agreement.
• Encourage others to confine their feedback to two areas – What specifically did I do that you liked or that worked?  What could I do more of that would make it even better.
• If you are looking for a trainer or coach, ask them how they give  feedback.  If the tell you that they will spend any more than 5% of the time telling you what you are doing wrong – walk away!  

Last week I started to talk about the power that limiting beliefs to make us ‘Reluctant Presenters’. In Part 2 of this article I want to share with you a simple yet practical technique for defusing your old limiting beliefs and empowering your new resourceful ones…

NB:If you haven’t done the exercises in part 1 of this thread, I suggest you go back and do it first as the rest of this post will then make more sense and you’ll have something useful to work with.

I often find metaphors a powerful tool for exploring and understanding things. Imagine that a belief was like a table top. In order for the table top to remain in place it needs legs to support it. In the same way, in order for a belief to remain active it needs evidence to support it.

As a simple example, consider the belief in Father Christmas that most children held at one time in their lives. The evidence that supported your belief in Santa was most likely something along the lines of ;

• My parents (whom I trusted) told me he was real
• I saw him in the local department store and on TV
• The biscuits, drinks and carrots I left out for him and his Reindeer had gone when I awoke on Christmas morning.
• There were presents in my stocking or under the tree

QED – Father Christmas is real!

Now consider what happened to undo this once extremely strong belief. I’m sure you didn’t just wake up one morning and say “Oh gosh, how stupid I’ve been , of course Father Christmas doesn’t exist.” No, the belief changed gradually as you started to question its authenticity because the evidence that supported it started to get shaky. Your friends or older siblings told you it was a fairy tale. You started to wonder how he could be in so many different stores at the same time. You started to consider the consequences of him eating all that food and drinking all that alcohol on a singe night. You stayed up and caught your parents putting the presents in your stocking. I’m sure you get the picture – Right!

Well, the same process can be used to tackle your own limiting beliefs about presenting.

Step 1: Identify the limiting belief (See previous post on this topic)

Step 2: Examine the evidence that supports this limiting belief. (Often when you do this, you will find that the belief is based on just one critical experience). Imagine you are a detective or investigator interested only in the facts!

Step 3: Look for counter examples. – When and where does this belief not hold true? Are there certain times in certain contexts where you have presented well? Have you ever had even a little bit of positive feedback about a presentation or speech you have given? The more counter examples you collect, the shakier the old belief will get.

Step 4: Repeat Step 2 for the new belief you would like to hold. Gather evidence to support it and look for opportunities to practice so that you can create new supporting evidence.

Have a go and you will see how you can eliminate your limiting beliefs and unleash your potential to be a confident communicator. What are you waiting for? Isn’t it time to took action?

Many reluctant presenters have one or more limiting beliefs that hold them back from developing their full potential. If you’d like to learn some simple ideas to break through this self imposed barrier, read on….

What we believe about ourselves can imprison us or set us free. It’s a choice. Typical limiting beliefs of Reluctant Presenters include:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m a poor presenter
• I’m too nervous
• I don’t have anything new or interesting to say
• I’m not experienced or smart enough

Typical beliefs of Confident Communicators on the other hand include:

• I’ve got something that my audience want or need to hear
• I’m good enough
• Practice will make me better
• I’m an expert in my field
• I have a unique insight into the topic

So step one is to ask yourself what might be the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from being a confidence communicator? Get out a piece of paper and write them down. Don’t analyse at this stage, just do a brain dump of all the things that you say to yourself about your ability to present that are less than supportive.

Step two is much more fun. Create a list of all the things that you would like to believe about yourself that would help you to be a better presenter. What would you need to believe? What do confident presenters believe about themselves or their audience? Again, don’t analyse or judge, just write.

In my next post I’ll cover how to discharge the old belief (s) and power up the new one(s)

Enjoy your day.

Gavin.

P.s If you haven’t already done so, go to www.reluctantpresenter.com now to download my free booklet.

As I mentioned last week, we can be held back from achieving our full potential by our beliefs.
If you haven’t done the exercise from last Saturday post, you could go back and do it now. Making that investment will help you get the best results from this session. Alternatively just work on whatever comes up for you and trust the process.

At the risk of repeating myself, I’ll re state that a belief is just a thought that you have ceased to question. So today we are going to be questioning one of our limiting beliefs.
But before we do this, let me give you a little background. Beliefs have a structure and one simple model is to think of a belief as being a bit like a table top. Stay with me on this!

In order for a table top to serve as a table top and not just a piece of wood or glass, lying on the floor it needs one vital ingredient – legs! Now if we accept for a moment that a belief is like a table top, what is the vital ingredient to keep our beliefs in place? (Assuming that is that our beliefs are true and not just some folk myth picked up from our parents, peers or the media!). What is equivalent to the table legs? Well I’m going to suggest that the vital element is supporting evidence.

It’s probably easiest if I give you an example. For most of you reading this, I’m probably safe in saying that you believed in Father Christmas when you were younger and now you probably don’t – yes?

So if your belief in father Christmas is like a table top the evidence that supported that belief was things like the fact that your parents told you he existed, and the presents appeared on Christmas morning and that you saw him in the shops and that the milk and cookies you put out for him were gone in the morning. So what happened to change it all? Did you wake up one day and suddenly realise that he didn’t exist after all?

No of course not, you went through a period where you the supporting evidence started to get a bit weak either because you discovered it was wrong or other people started to undermine it.

Well you can use this same process to start the process of undermining your current limiting beliefs.

1. Objectively assess how much evidence there really is for this limiting belief.
2. Scan through your memory banks for real examples which disprove the limiting belief – believe me there will be lots of examples if you are prepared to dig for them.
3. Ask yourself where does this belief really come from? You may well find that it is something you inherited from your parents or teachers or peers when you were young and impressionable and as a result it probably has no substance in reality and certainly doesn’t belong to you.
4. By now your limiting belief should be starting to look and feel a distinctly less credible than it was previously. Keep chipping away at those legs and the belief will inevitably fall.
5. You can accelerate this process by starting to consider what sort of empowering belief would you like to hold instead. Write it down and then look for real objective evidence to support the new belief. The more you look, the more you’ll find and as a result you will strengthen the new believe and its credibility will grow at the same time as your conviction for the old limiting one falls.